I’ll say upfront that I’m healthy as a horse, depending on the horse, and also what a weird saying that is, anyway. That is to say that I’m all good, and according to my recent bloodwork, even better than that. Short the pending results from my boob smashing session as well as the upcoming tube-up-the-pooper, Ima sticking around awhile. With that, this post has nothing to do with an immediate need to express my upon-death desires. But, hey, we all know I’m a shameless sharer, so here ya go.

Anyone who knows me well knows I could give two fucks about where my body ends up after I kick the ol’ proverbial bucket. I’ll be dead, D-E-D. What do I care about my discarded vessel? The offspring and I are, thankfully, mostly aligned in our beliefs about paying upward of $20k to put me in the ground in a pretty box. Nope. Still, were they to do decide on this financially dubious but ubiquitous fashion of “laying one to rest”? Hey, that’s their call.

Were I still around to care, and the option was both cost efficient and environmentally responsible, burn me up, baby, turn me into glitter and shoot me on out to the sky to “burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars”. Yep. Pack up my leftovers inside a bunch of little confetti cannons and let ‘er rip!

And color – lots of color! No black to celebrate my life – and for sure no white! Color, baby! In fact, ridiculousness! Costumes and face paint and personal expression, oh my! No crying about what a colossal loss it is to no longer have me in the world! No whining about what an amazing person I was! No shouts that I will leave a hole in humanity! No? Not buying it? Yeah, okay, that tracks. I’m alright, but I don’t expect too much fuss kicked up in my wake, just the right amount.

And if quantum immortality is a thing? I’ll be out on a new adventure, doing a new thing! And if quantum entanglement is a thing? I’ll see y’all around in some way or the other. And if nothingness is a thing? Well, this has been a good ride – more beautiful and filled with love than otherwise.

Either way I’m not going anywhere for a while barring an accident or some crazy out-of-the-blue diagnosis. But, hey, I’m just a few years younger than when my mother, a non-smoker and non-drinker, died of esophageal cancer. Shit happens. Sometimes real ugly shit happens. And in the end, we’re all marching toward death from the moment we come in all nekkid and slimy. So, whenever or however my card is pulled? Y’all know where I stand on the glitter cannon thing.